Why Having an Invisible Disability is A Lot Like Being Bisexual

When I was a teenager, I identified as bisexual. I haven’t changed, but my perception of the world has, and I now identify as queer, for many reasons, which I will cover in a different post. What matters here is my experience with being bisexual and how it relates to my current experience as a person with two (mostly) invisible disabilities. 

The QUILTBAGPIPE community (http://yada.wikia.com/wiki/QUILTBAGPIPE) has a clear hierarchy in which white, cisgender, gay males are at the top, and everyone else is fighting for a place below. People who identify as bisexual are often ostracised within both the queer and “straight” communities because they’re neither fish nor fowl. Nearly everyone you meet assumes that you’ll change your mind and choose one team or the other. Some people do, and it certainly might look like I have (I’m engaged to an amazing woman), but many don’t and it’s hard to respond to that kind of attitude day in and day out.

Having an invisible disability is a lot like that. I was diagnosed as a child with Asperger’s Syndrome – an autism spectrum disorder. For me, it means I’m an extremely socially awkward nerd (when I’m not trying very hard to fit in, in that case, I’m just a regular socially awkward nerd). I stim, which, again, for me, means that my brain doesn’t work as well if my hand’s aren’t moving. I’m sure it is distracting for others, but I’m not really interested in stopping. (For more information about this, check out the Loud Hands Project). I get agitated in crowded spaces and woe betide anyone who shoves me or bumps into me repeatedly in a line. Mostly, it doesn’t impact my life that much, and it’s pretty much invisible.

My other mostly invisible disability is a poorly-constructed knee. I’ve been having trouble with my knee caps slipping out of place for about a decade (since I was about 13). The severity and frequency have varied over time, but in January 2011 I had an altercation with an icy Ottawa sidewalk that resulted in a serious injury. I still have pain a year and a half later, I’m still doing physio. I wear a complicated knee brace similar to those worn by people who have torn their ACL. You wouldn’t think that something like that would be invisible, but it is. People don’t see it, or they ignore it, or they don’t realize that I use it instead of crutches or a cane. It’s much more effective, and it doesn’t take up any of my hands so I can open doors and carry things AT THE SAME TIME! Because of this most recent injury, I cannot stand on the bus without excruciating pain and I need to have the bus lowered to get on and off safely. I need to use a ramp or an elevator instead of stairs. I’m not lazy; I’m just in pain 99% of the time and the other 1% of the time I’m trying to remain pain free. You’d think I was asking for the world the way people react to this.

What does this have to do with bisexuality? Well, there’s a hierarchy of disabilities too.  People are more aware of visible disabilities, and they’re more likely to know what to do around people with wheelchairs, other visible mobility aids, service dogs and white canes, but they’re less aware of invisible disabilities. When I ask to have the bus lowered or a seat in the priority seating, I get looks, comments and stares. I’m young and I don’t look disabled. This behaviour comes from people with and without disabilities. People with disabilities, in my experience, particularly those with wheelchairs or other very visible indicators of disability, often glare at people who they don’t think are disabled in order to punish them for using a seat or asking for anything. There is an almost constant rhetoric of who is more disabled and there is a feeling that people who don’t have anything obviously “wrong” with them are cheating or taking away from people with “real” disabilities. This needs to stop, you do not always know why people are asking for accommodations, and people with invisible disabilities can have equal challenges or even more challenges than people with visible disabilities. Please stop asking me to prove myself to you and remember that not all people with disabilities are in wheelchairs.